I haven’t had sex in almost a year now. Whilst opportunities have presented themselves where, had I been more inclined to, I likely could have, but the thing is it just didn’t feel right in the moment. The truth of it is, I wasn’t ready - to me sex is a divine energy exchange, and there have been things I’ve needed to resolve within myself before healthily receiving someone else’s energy or giving out my own.
After such a painful breakup I wasn’t ready mentally or emotionally, and having casual sex instead of deep intimacy didn’t appeal to me (even when I wanted it to). Now, I’m not claiming this decision to be completely altruistic, or one I made consciously - there was certainly a fair amount of low self-esteem contributing too: I didn’t feel good enough, and I didn’t feel masculine enough to ‘take control’ of situations and instigate something, too afraid of how it would be received.
Of course there have been moments I’ve deeply craved the conjugal delights of sweaty bodies writhing rhythmically in an intertwining of sweaty orgasmic ecstasy. But I’ve rushed into sex with people in the past and, whilst it’s been ‘fun’, ultimately it’s felt unfulfilling.
All action comes from a place of love or a place of fear. The challenging thing is the paradoxical nature of life, meaning a single action (/desire) can look like it’s coming from one, but actually it’s coming from the other; there have been times I’ve craved intimacy, but upon reflection I’ve realised that those cravings were coming from an unhealthy place.
My soul loves connection, but my ego fears loneliness. The inner conflict I’ve had this last year has arisen because both parts want the same thing (intimacy), but for very different reasons. Resolution and finding peace has come from witnessing what’s come up (meditation), expressing those things (communication), and showing healthy judgement in moving towards love and away from fear (discernment). I’ll be honest though - it has been a painful process at times. But living consciously means opening yourself up to both deeper darkness as well as brighter light - the tree can only grow as tall as the roots run deep.
I prefer deeper, conscious, meaningful exchanges rather than surface, empty, transnational ones (in all of my relationships/connections, not just sexual or romantic ones); and so I don’t mind waiting. Whilst my ego is impatient, afraid of its impermanence, my soul is in no rush, aware that it has nowhere to go but to enjoy where it is.